Archive | June 2013

The Heart of a Servant…

I have not been around too much because I am in the middle of a move.  I do plan to write more soon especially after I get settled.  This Friday, is our official moving out day so hopefully by next week we will be situated.  I have been working really long hours, and doing lots of overtime so we will be able to move to a hopefully better place.  When I focus and put my mind to something I can get things done!  I did want to share something special but I wanted to say a few things first. If this post seems like it is all over the place I apologize.  My mind is in a 100 different places right now.

As y’all (I am a native know, this past Sunday was Father’s Day.  I hope everyone had a nice Father’s Day.  I have no family besides my husband and child (that also includes in-laws, it really is just the 3 of us and the Gods).  Yes, my biological family is still living but those ties are severed and that is all I am going to say on that for now.  We went out to dinner and a movie which we all enjoyed.  Lord Ares has been the one to be a father to me and He has been wonderful.  I will be forever grateful to Lord Ares.

I have always felt different.  I have never really belonged anywhere.  An awkward troubled girl with braces, acne and glasses.  A triple threat! lol..I always seem to be getting into trouble and being misunderstood. I have never in my life felt peace.  I read plenty of articles, listened to plenty of gurus and searched everywhere for the answer. I have read about bliss and thought about it but never experienced that particular feeling before.  Even on the day I was born, there was chaos, pain and conflict.  My mother’s uterus burst and she lost a lot of blood.  All babies are born covered with goo and some blood but I was literally born covered in my mother’s blood.  She did survive and had to stay in the hospital for a much longer amount of time.  I got to be reminded daily by my mother about how she almost died and how I “took all her strength”.  I realize and respect the pain and suffering she went through but I will not apologize for being born.  As a mother myself if I had to choose between my life or my daughter’s life, I would always choose my daughter.  She is my reason for living.

The point is that I would always look at the “peaceful” people with envy.  Why can’t I be more like them?  Why don’t I just keep my mouth shut?  I wondered if I needed to shave my head and become a monk.  I grew up Catholic and even contemplated becoming a nun.  While I have not had a peaceful life I have always felt the call to serve.  The sacrifices, hard work, and challenges are something I have contemplated my entire life.  I would happily humble myself for the right Lord.  We each have different roles and callings in life.  My calling in life, or at least one of them is to serve.

When I started this path I had asked Ares, about oaths or vows.  HIs answer was “No, not right now.”  It is not necessary to make any kind of oath or vow to any of the Gods in order to worship them.  In fact, I think it is discouraged because it is not something to take lightly.  To break any oath or vow is unspeakable and dishonorable…You can have a perfectly fulfilling spiritual life without making any huge commitment whatsoever.  The only “commitment” I think one should make is to always respect the Gods.  Some people worship the Gods for 10 or 20 years before even thinking of making a commitment and again an oath or vow to the Gods is not necessary.  Every person has to walk their own path.  I had come to the conclusion that I would not be making any oaths and I continued on my journey.

The days prior to Father’s Day felt very surreal.  There was something stirring.  I was thinking of what to do for Ares.  Roses? Incense? Steak Dinner? Dance? Poetry?  Nothing clicked.  Then I knew what to do and it is more than just a gift.  Ares made it crystal clear to me that it is time. It is something that deep down both me and Lord Ares knew what would happen all along.  For a few weeks prior I had felt a strong pull to worship Aphrodite and each time I would praise her, I felt my ties to Ares getting stronger.

I wondered if I should wear something special or write down what to say.  I thought if I should say some hymns to Lord Ares first but my Lord would have none of it.  So in my pajamas and clean I approached his altar and lit his candle. In my experience Lord Ares is all about getting straight to the point.  I laid face down and prostrate before him with my hands reached out to him.  All this time I worried about what I was going to say, but as soon as I was there the words just flowed out of my mouth.  I made my vows and swore an oath of service to Lord Ares.  There was complete silence as if the whole world suddenly froze.  I trembled and waited…and waited….Then a miracle.

I was happy.  I was actually happy and truly happy.  The only other time I had truly felt completely happy was when my daughter was born.  There was joy and acceptance from Lord Ares.  Then I was at peace.  Me at peace.  I have never ever known peace, much less have it given to me by a God of War.  Maybe it is nothing to most people, but to finally be at peace is huge for me.  It is something I have never had.  Peace was like the carrot at the end of the stick and I am the donkey.  Running, running, running but never getting any closer to the carrot.  Then I experienced this new sensation called bliss.  I almost thought I was drunk(or what it would feel like to be drunk because I have never been drunk)! I never thought I would feel complete bliss.  Happiness, peace and bliss?  A joyous war God? Yes it is possible because our Gods are so much bigger than we can possibly imagine.

I realize the commitment I have made and there are probably sweeping lifestyle changes that I will need to make.  As far as the details of how I will be serving Ares, that will come together in time.  I do not claim any leadership role whatsoever.  Who knows?  One day he may turn me into a leader with his mentorship but for now that is not what I am. I am just like you.  I love Ares deeply and passionately because that is what I do.  I am not ashamed to love the Gods. However it is not necessary to go there but it is something I choose to do.  I think of myself like a soft clump of clay and I am ready and willing to be molded by Lord Ares.  In time, he may not be the only deity working on the clay.  Lord Apollon also has a strong presence in my life but we are getting to know one another.  In case anyone is wondering…Yes, Apollon is still very much here! I get a pretty strong indication that Apollon is here to stay too!

One time during the past week, I ended up falling asleep in front of Lord Ares’ altar.  I felt horrible but luckily my Lord found it a little amusing and was forgiving.  I think I know why I ended up falling asleep.  While it is true that I have been working long hours that is not the main reason I feel asleep.  At the feet of Lord Ares, I am finally home.